I saw somewhere this week, a saying or image that recommended one to stop caring, if one wished to be happy.
I’m starting to think that maybe there is some truth to that. Especially for me; a person that likes to bend over backward for the sakes of others.
I’m going to be 29 in a couple of months. And truthfully, I’m nowhere that I planned on being at this age. Well, to be fair, most people aren’t ever where they want to be at any given time. But I don’t think that makes a good excuse. I know where I want to be and I haven’t gotten there. And to me, that’s unacceptable. I need to just start pursuing what I want, even at the expense of others. It may go against everything I’ve ever stood for. But frankly, I’d rather be happy than idealistic (…which is ironic, because there was a time when I honestly felt otherwise).
Some of you might be wondering “well what brought this on?”. The answer is quite simple really. People are people, and I should stop acting as if they were anything more.
Now I’m not saying that I should abandon common courtesy. I could never do that much. But I am thinking that I should put myself first. I still would show regard to others, but I would at the very least put myself first.
And I think that is OK.
So my last post, (which I just posted before this) was something I started writing the week before last but didn’t finish. I simply finished up the last sentence and quickly posted it today because I have much better content to post today.
But in order to really give the post context, I have to continue from where the last post left off.
I think I began writing that post on a Thursday or Friday. I don’t remember exactly. Either way, I went out that Friday evening with a couple of my closer friends. Amongst the drinks and conversations, one topic came up that was of particular interest to me; my friend’s (lets call him Barney) relationship with his girlfriend (whom everyone hates) and how is closest friend (we’ll call him Fred) feels about the matter.
Both Barney and Fred were present for this conversation, which allowed for some eye-opening perspective. Fred explained to me that although he is seriously not fond of Barney’s girlfriend, he will still support his friend’s relationship because he can see how genuinely happy that Barney is when he is with his lady. Previously he was very clear that he opposed the relationship. But seeing how happy Barney was made all the difference.
During this conversation, it suddenly occurred to me that one of the major fears I had over pursuing my own love interest is that many of my friends and acquaintances don’t like her. And secretly, that’s always kind of kept me from being earnest with how I feel. And no that’s not the only thing; I also, have recently adopted the philosophy of “doing what makes you happy” and of trying to only foster positive thoughts and actions.
All of this came together the following week; Thanksgiving week. She hasn’t been talking to me (and still isn’t), so I couldn’t help but dwell on my actions and how they’ve resulted in my current situation. I also thought of other people whom I’ve hurt and the actions that led to such. All of this thought was in the context of gratitude and Thanksgiving. I am very aware of myself now. I try to make honest attempts at being honest and kind whenever I can. It’s not a complete transformation yet, but I’m making progress. Also, I spent the week with my best friend’s family and it reminded me to reevaluate what’s important in life and to stop and enjoy things. We had delicious food, good conversation, lots of videogames, TV and even some work here and there. It was the most relaxing and fulfilling time I’ve had in recent memory- or ever had, to be honest. It’s an experience I want to emulate over and over, anywhere that I can.
All in all, this has been an enlightening couple of weeks. I went from seriously depressed, to having an extraordinarily positive outlook on life. I seriously hope I can keep this going.
A while back I came to the conclusion that it is best if I keep on writing, even if the contents are shameful and embarrassing. My outlook hasn’t changed. I still fight with these emotions. I still try my best to bury them.
This past Wednesday I started talking to her again (or rather, she started talking to ME again). What I initially thought would be nothing more than mending an burnt bridge turned out to be a revival of a million insecurities that I had. The immediate comfort from closeness and conversation gave way to spiteful thoughts. Voices in my head that reprimand me for having even the slightest sliver of hope.
“Why are you happy all of a sudden?”
“Do you really think anything will come of this?”
“This will end as it always does.”
“What do you have of value to offer her?”
“Just accept it. You fucked up the greatest thing that ever happened to you and all you have now is to wait out the remaining time.”
These are the kinds of thoughts that flood my head whenever I get my hopes up. I suppose that its not all bad. I get my hopes up a lot. And I mean A LOT. I’ve known her for over five years and I was only with her during the first three months of the first year. Yet I think about her all the time. I can’t help it. I work with her.
One could think of my negative thoughts as a natural defense mechanism against hurting myself. …made possible by hurting myself… Which makes me think that maybe I’m doing this to myself? I’ve noticed that as these sentiments continue, I begin to lose motivation. That night in fact, while aimlessly driving around for an hour, I seriously considered smoking again. It’s been nearly two years since I quit, but that night I remembered why I started in the first place and I was dying to start up again.
I don’t like being in this situation and I’m eager to get myself out of it. Here’s to tomorrow being a better day.
“The scariest moment is always just before you start.” - Stephen King
Thank you WordPress. I was thinking about whether or not I wanted to post about my creative untertakings (or lack thereof). Immediately after my last post, I was treated to a nice little splash screen that congratulated me on my 23rd or 24th post and the quote above. The quote reminded me of how I feel about my videogame project.
The Spring season gifted me with a million creative ideas; one of which was to create a iPad videogame about rival teenage gangs (not the gangbanger type, but the 50′s “my school is better than yours” type). But between work and school, this project hasn’t made it much farther than the reaches of my imagination. But that’s ok I suppose. It’s still in my head, and I still have every intention of doing something about it. I’m just a little nervous and anxious about where it may go in the end.
And that’s why that quote struck a chord with me. It’s nice to know that the universe remembers me from time to time.
Some time ago, I posted on the observation of my behavior during my first day of Behavior in Organizations. I intended to go back and post an update after a couple of classes. Admittingly, I’m a bit late. So here I am 11 classes later with that update.
I have mixed feelings about that class. But I must say, my experiences in a university setting have definitely improved my communication. Much of my awkward persona is still in tact, but there is noticeable improvement. Maintaining eye contact and speaking up still take effort, but those tasks do come much easier than I remember. And I’m still improving.
Now that’s good and all, but I suppose there is still work to be done. I’ve grown a bit accustomed to the environment and as a result, I’m lazier. I need to change that. After all, what good does it do to make myself into something better, if I produce nothing of value? But I’m taking things one-step-at-a-time and I’m confident that good things lie ahead. It will only take a bit of commitment on my part.
The university experience is far from over. If anything I’m probably only half-way through it (I still have a few more quarters to go).
With that said, I’m anxiously awaiting what new improvements I may forge into myself. Here’s to the better!
I actually intended to write on several other things, but upon re-reading my post Sin, I’ve decided to explore something else first.
Emotional expression is something I’ve had to resort to on many occasions. Those of you who know me well are aware of the MANY blogs and journals I’ve written to over the years. Each of those contain entries that are much like Sin. Entries in which I release any and all restraints, and just let out any thoughts that I may have. I’m not sure how I feel about making these entries available for everyone to read.
First off, some of these posts venture so far beyond my own level of comfort, that I instinctively want to distance myself from them. In fact when I read them, it feels as though the person behind the words is not myself. Those words don’t feel like they’re my own. Secondly, I feel the need to keep them from others; to destroy them and ensure that they never see the light of day ever again. While I value transparency and honesty, these works reveal a side of myself that I often try to keep bottled away in an attempt to save some kind of face.
Sometimes I forget that I’m an emotional person. I go through a lot of effort to convince myself that I am not an emotional person and that I can rise above personal issues. Unless I do so, I’ll find myself debilitated to the point of lying in my room, staring at the ceiling. I don’t like reaching that point and by reading these posts, I fear that I may discover that those lows are inevitable. Perhaps they are and I’m only avoiding that truth.
Then there’s the other half of the coin. Like I said, I value transparency. There a certain dignity in being human. A kind of candid and succinct beauty that can only be seen when you consider all of the facets of a person; good, bad, disgusting, inspring, funny, creative, disappointing, surprising. So with that in mind, It feels wrong to deny that part of myself. It’s a part of me and I should acknowledge that it exists.
And ultimately, if I wish to share who I am with others, I should share all of it. And not just the parts that I think look good.
I think I’ll continue to write the thoughts that I have to offer.
I’ve started my third quarter at California Lutheran University and I’ve immediately noticed something different in my personality. It seems that I am getting better at interacting with others.
I noticed it during my first class for Behavior in Organizations. As I entered the class, I felt compelled to put on the best first impression that I could produce. The attempt resulted in clear speech, good eye-contact and an earnest attempt at group discussion. This is quite unlike me. Especially the eye-contact. I usually tend to dodge direct eye-contact.
I suppose it’s possible that the whole thing was a fluke. But I’d like to think otherwise. After all, my personality defects are something that I am always conscious of and always trying to remedy. This is just the first time that it’s ever gone this well.
I guess we’ll know for sure this Thursday when I get back to class. Until then, I’ll just bask in the self-satisfaction of improving myself.
In my Systems Analysis class, we’re discussing problem detection, solution implementation and the cost associated with a solution, given which stage in development you’re in.
It was brought up that in an old Ford Bronco dilemma, it was determined that paying lawsuits was cheaper than cheaper than recalling and replacing entire vehicles. So the defects were left in place.
Just like in Fight Club.
The world just got a little less pretty…
I’m no stranger to infatuation. But given my history with it, I can’t help but evaluate it as something inappropriate and to be avoided. It’s brought me nothing but heartbreak in the past. Regardless, I’m gonna retain it for a bit now so I can explore it.
So, considering that I vaguely know you, what is it that draws me to you?
Well first off, you’re the most beautiful thing I’ve seen in quite some time. I say “thing” because this isn’t limited to people. The feelings that build up inside me when I see you rival the feelings I get when I’ve looked at some of the most beautiful sunsets. First off, those eyes of yours are hypnotic. If I could, I would stare into them for eternity (an act I will refrain from, cus that’s just creepy I suppose…). Then there’s your smile. You have the most radiant smile. It’s the kind of sight that could warm me on the coldest of winters. Forgive me if that last line was too corny, but it’s the best way I can describe it. But seriously, I’m drawn to that smile. Most unexpectedly because it seems so fragile. Maybe I’m assuming too much, but I get the impression that your smile is forced at times. And I want to do something about that. I want to make it so that your smile never leaves your face. And while your smile radiates, so does your demeanor. There’s something about you that SCREAMS “energy”. A fact that perplexes me because whenever I talk to you, you come off so mellow. It makes me want to learn more about you.
You’re absolutely magnetic.
Then there’s another side to all this. The side that makes me loathe infatuation. I titled this post “sin” because the meaning behind the Hebrew word for sin best conveys how I think of this situation. The word means “to miss its target”. These feelings will never reach you. You intimidate me too much to ever approach you with them. I’ve almost deified you with my feelings and as such, feel unworthy of even admitting their existence. Coincidentally, the Christian meaning of sin also applies here. Sin, in the Christian sense, is to be without God. In fact the Catholic definition of hell is the eternal absence of God. That’s kind of how I feel about the distance between you and I. When I think of the ultimate end of all of this, I realize the reality and futility of it all and can’t help but fall into depression. I’m without you. I’ll never ever be any closer to you. And the realization of all this makes me want to decay. It’s my own personal hell.
In the end, I suppose everyone is right. Avoid infatuation like the plague. If only it were so easy. It’s not like I can control any of this. I have no more influence on this than I do on the incoming rain. When it hits, it hits. And all I can do is wait until the sun comes out again.